Inside my heart is the sound of chaos that worsens by every second I think of you. This pain I call my friend breaks me down, pulls me into a ball, as I scream in agony. I’m lost in all this destruction. I cannot see. Am I blind? NO, I refuse to believe these LIES!!! But...are these things lies? Maybe they are the TRUTH. I fall over on my back as you hold my arms down. I feel the sharp cold knife of abandonment plunge into what once held my heart. Millions of freezing hands cover my body. I CAN’T BREATHE!! Someone help me? I’m nothing but a shell with no shell. Everything that I once loved is slipping away with every tear that pushes its way out of my eyes. I scream so loud but no one hears me. My tears turn into blood. The darkness clouds over me. My heart is exposed by the torn skin. A hundred tiny silver hooks surround my heart. It’s so cold. The tiny hooks jerk back and my heart spills and the only thing I can do is scream and cry in terrible pain. WHY AM I STILL ALIVE!!!!!! My old friend pain starts to overtake my being... Suddenly I break free of these invisible forces holding me down and fire fills my eyes. I was not wrong. Pain, misery, destruction, and agony were always there for me. They always held my hand. When I held a knife to my wrist they were there to push it through. When I cried they turned my tears into blood. If I was ever happy they reminded me that happiness was a guiltless twisted LIE. Happiness only brought hell. I am changed; I cannot go back to what I was. Everything I once cared for...once loved is gone... I’M GONE.
January 19, 2012
Today I woke up from the dead and found myself lost and alone. I was not really dead but it was starting to feel like it. I woke up like every other day, but this day seemed different somehow. A part of me was lost and wished to die right then and there, but I think I was afraid. I could not stand it anymore, this bitterness and loneliness or whatever it was. I tried to understand what was happening but I could not. I was too scared to even think what it might be. Most people forget about it and move on but, then again, I am not most people. I am not even sure I am a person. I feel more like a soulless being. I feel like there’s nothing inside me that is human at all. I feel alone and dead inside, but also like a monster. I don’t know even what I am anymore or who I am. I am a soulless person. Now I am a lost soul. It feels like I don’t belong at all. I could try to run but that would be useless. I am useless. What good am I for? What will happen to me if I don’t stay in this dried-up and lonely world? What is this place I have grown to love and hate? What does this all mean? What is happing to me and my soul? What am I? I can’t even look myself in the mirror anymore and say that’s me because I don’t even know what the real me looks like anymore. I feel like a dark hole that is being sucked in by this sad and bloody world.